not a fan

It has been way too long since I have written in this blog! Honestly, I stopped writing in it because I was embarrassed. I was embarrassed to be me! I was embarrassed to tell my story. I have so many stories to share and God keeps telling me to trust Him and share them, but I fear being judged, until I read Kyle Idleman's book: "not a fan" that is...so here is one I want to share today:

Today is the anniversary of my baptism. Four years ago today I stood in front of hundreds to testify my commitment to leave my life as I know it and follow Christ, but until today, until this moment, did I realize that I still hold back. This is a day to be excited about and I want to share my excitement!

The following statement is what I read to my pastors and about 100 others four years ago:

My name is Kathy Hawkins. I am married to Chris and have three sons, John, Matt, and Michael and a daughter Jessica. I was raised Catholic and grew up learning all the Catholic traditions and receiving sacraments. I was brought up to understand that my baptism as an infant, cleansed me of original sin and as I grew up I was taught that there were different types of sin. I never questioned it until later in my adult life when I became aware of other religious beliefs and started doing my own research. The internet made that very easy for me but it also confused me. So I decided to get myself a bible. (I got myself several and in all different versions and began studying all of them to be certain I was getting the TRUTH.) And no wonder, for Satan himself masquerades as an angel of light. (2 Corinthians 11:14 NIV). As I devoted more of my time with Christ and reading the Word, I became more and more aware that a sin is a sin...period, and I became more and more aware of my sins. (I thank Jesus every morning for what he did for me and grateful for a new start realizing how weak my flesh is and how desperate I am for His Spirit).

I began to question my religious beliefs. Often, I would spend hours in the night researching for TRUTH! I would pray "Lord, show me where YOU are; show me where I belong". In my journey to find the Truth, I yearned to be in a place where all my doubts would fade. In 2009, I fell away from my local church, but I still continued to seek THE LORD. (I got so confused about what religion was the true religion. Does God wants us to be Catholic, Baptist, Methodist...where did I belong?) I gave up all religion and decided to seek a relationship with Christ. My cousin Val recommended a book called "Crazy Love" by Francis Chan. Unfortunately, I became very aware of how "lukewarm" my devotion to Christ was and I quit reading it after Chapter 4. But, GOD didn't give up on me and I learned to pray for HIS will and trust HIS will, not mine. In my search for the Truth, Jesus showed me the importance of the local church - a Christian life should be lived in community, not isolation. Jesus loves the church and so should we. Jesus wants me in a church that makes followers of Jesus Christ, who in turn make followers of Jesus Christ.

In October 2011, my family joined Oakbridge Community Church and my oldest son John was the first in our family to go public with his commitment to follow Christ and be baptized in April 2012. By the way, I picked up that book “Crazy Love” once again and finished it, and now highly recommend it!

My Pastor Herc Noblitt challenged me to find a life verse. I took that challenge and I encourage those who have not yet done so, to do it. It certainly got me to read a ton of wonderful life changing scriptures. I knew eventually a verse would really speak to me. Luke 8:15 is my life verse: "But the seed on good soil stands for those with a noble and good heart, who hear the word, retain it, and by persevering produce a crop." Yep! I choose to be of good soil! I testify that Jesus is THE WAY!

I want to live for Jesus! I want the life and wisdom of Jesus to so transform me that even when I'm not deliberately referencing a bible verse, I remind someone of Jesus. On this 12th day of Aug, 2012, I stand before all of you and testify my commitment to leave my life as I know it and follow Christ!

Kathy Hawkins,

Aug 12, 2012

Only my husband and kids and my dear friends Kurt and Lori were among those who were present to support my decision. I won't lie and tell you I was very sad not to share this moment with my close friends and family, but they wanted nothing to do with my decision. It has become my greatest desire to share the gospel, but I have limited myself with who I share it because I am worried about making them uncomfortable. I can't say it has not been a difficult transition...I lost many friends and even family have voiced their concern for me and my "loss of faith", but on the contrary my faith has never been stronger! "Followers understand that following Jesus is a pursuit that may cost them everything, but it is the best investment they could ever make. Followers will do some crazy things for love, but fans want to play it safe". - Kyle Idleman. I'm through "playing it safe".

In the last four years, my marriage almost ended, and friends and family have distanced themselves. I lost my identity! But if you ask me today if following Jesus cost you everything, would it still be worth it? I say firmly...YES!!