Thoughts of a soon to be mother in law

We’ve all heard the mother-in-law jokes that portray the reality between many mothers and their son’s wives.  When I married my husband, I was not accepted and treated very badly.  I was bullied and ridiculed by my mother in law and sister in laws and deeply hurt.  Because of this, I refuse to be “one of those mothers-in-laws”.   

I am fortunate to have been raised by a very loving and Christian mother and I have heard many times through the years from my brother’s wives that they truly admire and feel loved by their mother-in-law.  I often wondered what it would have been like to have had that type of relationship.  Fortunately, in her last days on earth, she came to know Christ and accept Him as her Lord and Savior.  I have forgiven her and continue to work on my relationship with my two sisters-in-law.  That is for another time in another blog post when I feel led to tell that part of My story in The Story. 

By observing the relationship between my own mother and her four daughters-in-law, and most recently in my years of Bible study, I have discovered that I must lose my son to gain his wife. 

In the book of Ruth, Naomi’s husband and two sons die, leaving her a widow without an heir. Her son’s death forces Naomi to let him go.  Death doesn’t have to happen, however, for this "release" to take place.  In Ruth’s story, God works under the radar during Israel’s darkest days of the time of the judges.  Naomi’s acceptance captivates more than Ruth’s heart; it also gains her a grandson whose grandson is Israel’s beloved King David. Naomi gains so much more than she lost.

As I reflected on the relationship between my son and me, I realized that, although I had already been “letting him go” throughout his life (kindergarten, middle school, high school, college, mission trips), marriage would require a deeper release. In order to win her, I must "release" him.

As we are only 20 days from the new beginning between man and wife, where the two become one flesh, I find myself happy and sad.  It is bittersweet!  This separation means many things, both for them and for me. 

God gave an instruction to Eve before she had sons to prepare her for eventual separation – for a time when her son would become another woman’s husband, “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24). Although she had years to process that event even then, it probably didn’t make it any easier when the time finally arrived to separate. 

I've made statements to Matt and Leslie that I would never interfere in their relationship—that I would not inject myself in their relationship in any way. Neither would ever wonder what I would say or do in response to any decision they make.  They would be safe to work out their stuff among themselves. Most importantly, Leslie would be safe from me.  Both of them needed to hear me say those words as much as I need to hear myself say those words and in writing this blog post I am keeping myself accountable!  Even today, I'm finding it necessary to "back off".  That doesn't mean it is easy, but the fact that I am willing is important, right?

I must not pretend to be other than the woman that I am.   

Even though Matt’s Leslie follows Christ, she needs to see me be me—not a presentation of who I want to be, but who I really am. Authentic.  Most importantly, I must accept her to win her. My daughter-in-law needs me to accept her for who she is and for who she isn’t—she is not I!  She enters into our relationship adored by my son and moving on her own path of growth in Christ.  Her gifts differ from mine, her strengths differ from mine, and her walk doesn’t necessarily look like mine. We are different, like Naomi and Ruth.

Ruth is a Moabite. She descends from Lot’s drunken liaison with his deceptive oldest daughter. Talk about baggage! But Naomi has her own baggage. Naomi in her grief initially fails to see the value of her daughter-in-law (“I went out full, and the LORD has brought me back empty,” 1:21). She embraces bitterness as her portion before seeing God’s work.

I must invite my daughter-in-law to join me on my own spiritual growth journey. Ruth brings Naomi home with her. “Now the two of them went until they came to Bethlehem. So, Naomi returned, and Ruth the Moabitess her daughter-in-law with her, who returned from the country of Moab. Now they came to Bethlehem at the beginning of barley harvest” (Ruth 1:19, 22).

Naomi doesn’t assume a position of superiority. She honors her daughter-in-law both by allowing her to go out for them and by counseling her concerning Boaz. Her story unfolds as she holds Ruth’s child on her lap while listening to her neighbors rejoice. Truly, God’s hand is for her and for His people!

I sit here imagining myself as a Grandmother…Lord, help me not be overbearing!