Don't hold back...

I have found it difficult to let myself become vulnerable with my blog these past couple of weeks.  I have felt GOD's calling to do so....but because of fear, I hold back.  I have let worry take over my desire to blog.    I have listened to the world instead of GOD.  I admit it, and I continue to pray about it.

Have you ever felt a strong desire to say something to someone, yet you don't because you are afraid how they might react?  Father, I give this concern to you, and I continue to ask for you to give me the courage I need, to do what you want me to do.

Yesterday, I was made aware of something my husband did that made me very proud of him.  You see...my husband doesn't hold back.  He has always said what is on his mind.  Often times, I have judged him for this, but more recently I commend him for it.

My daughter has adopted a new set of "grandparents".  We have new neighbors across the street and Jessica has been visiting them daily for the last couple of weeks.   They are a retired couple and seem to really enjoy her daily visits.  At least for now; I do hope she does not wear-out her welcome.  I worry about that, and have mentioned it to them several times, but they insist they look forward to her ringing their door bell.

Yesterday, I looked out my window and noticed she was helping them decorate their yard with Christmas lights and candy canes, and a beautiful sleigh with reindeer and a waving Santa Claus.  I walked across the street to make sure she was not getting in the way.  He insisted she was a delight and part of the reason they were decorating.   He continued to explain that it had been seven years since they celebrated Christmas, or decorated at all; not even a Christmas tree had been on display in their home.  Seven years!  I was shocked!  He explained to me that due to a "falling out" with his daughter, they no longer had a reason to celebrate Christmas.  They have two grandchildren and have not spent Christmas with them in seven years!

They mentioned this to my husband a few days ago, and something my husband said to them, made them change their minds about Christmas.  My husband in a matter of words, said to them that they were going about it all wrong.   He explained to them, their pride was overtaking their love!

Yesterday, my neighbor told me it was because of what my husband said to him, that made him change.
Make sure that nobody pays back wrong for wrong, but always strive to do what is good for each other and for everyone else. (1 Thessalonians 5:15 NIV)

He decided to stop being prideful and share his love! They are going "all out" this year; their outdoor lights blink to the sound of Christmas music and with Jessica's encouragement their home will resemble a gingerbread house by the weekend!

I invited them to celebrate Christmas with our family, but my real hope is that they decline for a reason that they will be sharing it with their daughter and her family instead for the first time in seven years.

My husband made a difference because he didn't hold back!  Can you imagine what a difference we can make, if we just listen and let the Holy Spirit talk for us?

Please pray for me....I don't want to hold back!

For day after day they seek me out;
they seem eager to know my ways,
as if they were a nation that does what is right
and has not forsaken the commands of its God.
They ask me for just decisions
and seem eager for God to come near them. (Isaiah 58:2 NIV)

Invisible Friend

I have been wondering when I would be inspired to write again.  Not much has moved me this week. Something about Sundays that gives me a boost!  I couldn't wait to come home and write today.

This has been an interesting week.  My four year old has entered a new stage of imagination!

Jessica is with me all day; we are with other preschoolers in the mornings, but since school started there are no children in the neighborhood, so Jessica gets lonely in the afternoons.  Chris has been busier than usual with work, and her brothers have a new video game, so she has not had the attention she is used to having, and I have had my fill of her, if you know what I mean.

On our way to the grocery store this week, Jessica introduced me to her new "friends".  She informed me they were in the back seat of our car, and asked me if it was okay if they come in the store with us.  I am embarrassed to tell you my response was not very nice.  I said,  "Jessica, I am so tired and really wanted you to stay home with Michael, so, no, your friends will just have to wait in the car!"  She seemed to realize my lack of imagination at the time, so she decided to appease me.   When we got back to the car, she apologized to her friends for making them wait, and promised a tea party with them as soon as we got home.  She then told me I could come too, but suggested I take a nap first.   I have not been inspired to blog until today.

These "friends" have moved into our home!   On the way to church this morning, she informed her brother Michael that he would have to sit in the middle seat between her and Matt instead of the very back where he usually sits, because her friends were already back there.   My 13 year old was not too happy to sit in the narrow middle seat, but due to his little sister's persistance, he appeased HER this time.  

My husband, however, is a man of extreme patience when it comes to Jessica and her imagination!  He went right along with everything she and her "friends" had to say this morning.    He managed to calm Michael down and enlight us all!  He suggested Jessica add 1 more friends to her group.  He suggested she add Jesus!  My husband is a genius!

I know I am thrilled to have Jesus as my invisible friend, and I LOVE that HE is every where I go!  Even when I forget He is there.  My pastor said it best...GOD LOVES U-TURNS!   I took a big U-turn on the way to church this morning in regards to Jessica and her "friends".  I am thrilled she has these "friends" and even more excited that Jesus has joined the group!

You know what?  Once you become a Christ follower, you never have to be alone!  GOD is everywhere, and HE is always right beside you!  Talk to HIM, HE is listening!  He wants to be in your life!

If you have not accepted Jesus as your personal savior, it is never too late.

1. Confess your sins and admit that you are a sinner. See Romans 3:10

2. Be willing and ready to repent from your sins. See Acts 17:30

3. Believe that Jesus died on the cross for you, was buried, and rose from the dead. See Rom 10:9-10

4. Pray and invite Jesus to come into your life and become your personal savior. See Rom 10:13

5. Read and study the Holy bible and fellowship with other Christians. 

GOD BLESS!

Michael

Michael is my 13 year old son.  He is the third born of four children.

I remember when Chris and I were awaiting the news of our ultra sound of our third child.
I was very certain that GOD intended for me to have a little girl someday.
So, when the nurse informed us that I was carrying another boy, I looked at Chris and muttered between my teeth "one more, real quick, that's it!"

However, it was not soon after Michael learned to crawl that I remember saying "no more, that's it, get fixed!"

Michael was a difficult child to raise, but I sure do cherish those days now!  The first 10 years of that boys life, I wondered if he may actually have a demon in him.  I prayed over that boys room night after night!

At the age of 6, Michael was diagnosed with ADHD and with the help of medication, he became a little more tolerable and easier to raise.  He still gave us quite a challenge, but with consistence and GOD's guidance, he has matured into a very smart and lovable kid!  

I am so proud of Michael!  He is smart, funny, loving, compassionate, and a pure joy to be around!
Last night, he stood in front of many and gave his baptismal testimony!

My heart warms with memories of Michael and how difficult life was wondering if I was raising him with enough love and discipline.  But, because GOD is so good and trusting, I know HE has answered my prayers!  GOD has BIG plans for Michael and I am very excited to watch Michael grow in HIS faith!

Thank you GOD for allowing me to be Michael's mother!  Thank you for YOUR continued guidance as I parent Michael according to YOUR will!

I am very confident that Michael will make a difference in many people's lives!  He can read people; he has a gift to make others feel good about themselves.  He brings laughter to many with his charm!
I love my KID!  Thank you GOD for Michael!!

Hormones

I choose to write about MY story in THE story, and tonight I want to write about what I am feeling, and I am feeling hormonal!  Hormonally balanced that is...

Due to fascinating bio-medical science, I am a 44 year old woman experiencing my life as a twenty year old woman all over again!  Can I get a WOOP, WOOP!!!  

You know...LIFE IS GOOD!  I am happily married to a very loving husband, and wonderful father, and better yet..man of GOD who is also very fit, I might add!  TMI?  perhaps...but I just want to shout to the roof tops!!

Being hormonally balanced is so important!  Are you taking anti-depressents?  Are you experience fatigue?  Are you depressed?  Do you have low sex drive?  When was the last time you had a blood test to see where your hormone levels were?  

I had a complete hysterectomy in 2008!  For 4 years I dealt with hormonal imbalance, taking anti-depressants, and suffering with weight gain, low self-esteeem, fatigue and low sex drive.   NO MORE!

I highly recommend you seek a hormone specialist in your area and check into bi-medical hormone replacement therapy.  

I will leave you with a link to a fun video tonight....to  express how I feel!  

I AM WOMAN, HEAR ME ROAR!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZBkoJLclZkk

Enlightened in 2012 - Part 2

I became a yo-yo-dieter.  I lost and gained the same 15 pounds three times over the course of one year.   I had let my weight define who I was.  I didn't love myself, and I was not letting anyone else love me either, including my husband.  Did I mention my turmoil over the last 10 years?  The details are really meaningless at this point, but let's just say it was pure turmoil!

I spent this entire year examining my turmoil with a new perspective, without blame.   Who am I to judge, right?

Brothers and sisters, do not slander one another. Anyone who speaks against a brother or sister or judges them speaks against the law and judges it. When you judge the law, you are not keeping it, but sitting in judgment on it. There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, the one who is able to save and destroy. But you—who are you to judge your neighbor? (James 4:11, 12 NIV)

I blamed everything, and everyone, including myself for my turmoil.   I prayed...but looking back now...they were empty prayers.  They were selfish prayers.  I have never been very patient either, I prayed according to MY will, not GOD's wills!   

      

This spring, my family started going to church...TOGETHER!  My husband was never one to pray, or attend church.  This was one of those prayers that tried my patience!  GOD needed me to trust HIM with this one, but I was nearing my rope if you know what I mean.  

I also began studying the bible this summer, and I continue to study Scripture daily.  I have always read scripture, but until recently did I study The Word.  There really is a big difference, and I highly recommend it.

I no longer let my weight define me.  I LIVE FOR JESUS!  CHRIST DEFINES ME!  

I am learning to seek GOD's WILL and I hope this blog is enlightening.  As I believe in my church's mission statement and understand it to be HIS will "to make followers of Jesus Christ who in turn make followers of Jesus Christ."

If you are not currently seeking GOD, I encourage you to find a good bible-based church.  I believe it is important for every believer to have a healthy church home where they can connect with other believers and grow in their faith.   MAY GOD BLESS YOU!

Enlightened in 2012 - Part 1

I have been on a self-worth journey since the beginning of 2012 and nearing the year end, I am finally enlightened!   I feel the need to point out, that it has not always been so easy for me to be so open and vulnerable with my personal business.     But I DO know that it sure is easier when GOD instructs you to do it, and I trust HE is using me to do a great work.

So on to more personal stuff...
In 2010, I was the heaviest and saddest I had every been.  I was 50 pounds too heavy for my frame, and my marriage was failing for like the sixth time!  (This is yet another blog, I am sure GOD is leading me to write, but I have some more to pray about before I provide details on that subject.)

I discovered a weight loss protocol "Pounds and Inches", that was actually discovered by Dr. A.T.W. Simeons sometime in the early 1960's, but the American diet industry suppressed it for 40 years.  I researched this protocol for several months before I actually decided to try it.  It worked; I lost 50 pounds in four months following the protocol using HCG Hormone diet drops.

I documented my weight loss with a video diary on the internet, and I met several other "dieters" who also did the same thing.  A few of the women decided to meet and run a half-marathon together.  I had only flown in a plane less than five times in my life, and never once alone, so you can imagine my family's reaction when I said I was going to do this.   I was rediscovering myself!  I was that skinny girl again, that happy-go-lucky, no care in the world girl, again!  The women I met, knew that girl...ME, but I had forgotten who she was.  That girl had been missing for 10 years, and entire decade!

Well, I managed to maintain my weightloss for a year and half.  Life was good, I was confident again, and my marriage was better than it ever had been.  Until, I started gaining back some of the weight.  I immediately became lost again.  My self-esteem was dwindling, and I found myself depressed with very low self-esteem and my marriage was failing worse than ever before!  With every pound I gained, I found myself disliking myself all over again!

But wait...the HCG Diet...it worked before...yeah, I went on that roller coaster ride a few more times, but why wasn't it working the way it did before?
I have so much more to tell you, but I will have to conclude this part of my journey in another post...

My fourth decade: 2000's

Wow, my life is literally flashing before my eyes!

I sit in the same kitchen tonight that was built in October of 2000!  Chris and I moved four times before settling in this home.    We have been here more than a decade!

I really don't know where to begin to describe these 10 years of my story.  So much has happened!
As I take a deep breath, I realize I may not have the strength to re-live it.   I think I may have tried to block a lot of it out of my memory for a good reason.

I don't know how much of my story GOD intends for me to tell.  So I will sit awhile and pray....

My husband's mother was diagnosed with lung cancer in 2000.  She was confined to a chair for four years, and died in April, 2004.   I did not have a loving relationship with my mother-in-law or her daughters.  In fact, it was quite torturous to be around them most of the time.   I hesitate even today to bring any of the past to the present because it is exactly that...in the past!  I can't say I did not suffer emotionally from Satans attacks, but I can tell you I survived!  GOD is my strength and my refuge!

I was able to resolve my relationship with my mother-in-law before she passed, but the scars that were left took several more years to heal.

In 2006, Chris and I were going through another rough spot in our marriage  He was traveling frequently and I was suffering from depression after miscarrying a baby.  Satan kept us in his web for a few years.  We stopped going to church too.  I did everything possible to stay close to Christ during these trials, and HE never left my side.

I opened my  preschool business later that year, and firmly believe it is a calling from GOD.  HE continues to bless me each year with enduring children to teach!

In 2007, I became pregnant with a baby girl!  The doctors did not give us much hope, however, because a tumor was sure to cause another miscarry.  I was overwhelmed with faith that GOD was going to give me a daughter.  I held on to my faith every week, even though the doctors kept telling me she would not survive.  At 20 weeks, I had surgery to remove the tumor that was growing right beside my little girl, and went into labor.  The labor was stopped, but I was bed-ridden for the rest of my trimester.

Jessica was born in Feb, 2008 a very healthy baby girl!  I dealt with a few more problems after child birth and had a complete hysterectomy later that year.  Menapause at 40 meant depression, weight gain, and more marital problems.

In 2010, I discovered the HCG Diet!  I started a weight loss journey and lost 50 pounds in four months and ran my first half-marathon.  I thought being thin would make me happy....I will tell you more in my next post....

My third decade: 1990's

I never took my education seriously.  I suppose I would have done things differently if I would not have lucked into such a great job at a young age.  I mentioned in my last posts, that I worked at a manufacturing company in the summer months through out my highschool and college years.  

I was a natural athlete, and actually turned down several full-ride scholarships to Universities across the United States due to the distance away from my home.   I really didn't care to go to college at all!  I was "in love" with a boy from home, and I already had a great job, so in my mind, why go away.  My parents encouraged me to extend my education, and helped me choose a University that was only a few hours away, and also I had two cousins already attending that same school.  

If I did it all over again, I would have followed my passion for music and drama instead of Business Administration, but I had the job, so I went that route.  I met many wondeful friends during my college days, but I can't say much for my education.  I studied only enough to maintain my grades to keep my track scholarhsip.  

After college, I was hired full time at the same manufacturer I had worked since I was 16.  I learned pretty quickly, it is not always "what" you know, but also "who" you know.  I managed to work my way up the corporate ladder and forgot all about my "dreams", until I met Chris, the TRUE love of my life!  I was fairly confident then and very confident now, that this was GOD's plan for me all along!  

Chris and I married in 1992, gave birth to our first son in 1994, moved out of our "starter home" into a "family home" in 1995, quit my career to become a stay-at-home mom and had our second son in 1996.   We moved "back home" near our parents in 1998, and had our third son in 1999.  

Of course, many things happened (good and bad) during those child bearing and moving years, but those incredible events will have to be seperate blogs....(I promise)...on to my next decade...    

My second decade: 1980's

I was 12 years old in 1980.
I started babysitting at the age of 12.  My first babysitting job was a neighbor infant.  I sure am glad I was only a house away from my own mom, because when that diaper exploded...let's just say the memory will be forever marked in my brain!

I loved babysitting; in fact, I know GOD was preparing me for a calling.  It is why I am a preschool teacher today!  I had a standing babysitting position for several years.  Every Friday and Saturday night, I would trade sitting for two families.  I think I only "messed up" once.  The story is too funny not to share...

Believe it or not, I was instructed to give the child a suppository!  I was 13 years old at the time, and I was proud of how mature I handled the request.  "No problem, what time would you like for me to give it to him?"  I said.  I thought it was a pill to be chewed, and the child did what I asked him to do with it. Of course he spit it out, but I was smarter than him, so I tricked him and put it in a piece of bread.  When the parents returned home, as usual, the children were sleeping peacefully.  I had a knack for getting them to sleep....I wore them out!  The mother asked if I had any problems with giving the suppository, and I proudly told her about my trick to get him to swallow it.  She gasped!  Luckily, nothing happened and the child slept fine and I was forgiven.  I was 13 years old, for Pete's sake!

I really was a great babysitter, and I cared deeply for the kids.  I watched out for them, and sometimes took them to the park or skating rink on my days off.

I finally discovered boys around the age of 15.   I had been spending a lot of time at the pool, and since you
you don't wear glasses when you swim, I suppose I started looking more attractive.  My dad was very strict, and he made a rule that I was not allowed to date until I was 17, and even then I had to double date.  There was no rule about kissing though, and I remember it like it was yesterday!  I doubt it was his first kiss, but I do hope he remembers kissing me.  It sure will always be very special to me!

The summer I turned 16, I got a job working as a "copy girl" at a large manufacturing company in the city.  It was a 45 minute drive, and I didn't own a car, so I carpooled.  My mom would take me to the carpool lot at 6 am,  I worked 7:30-4:00, and on good days with low traffic, I would get home by 5.  I was very glad to have money.  I spent ever dime I made too.  I grew up poor, remember, so it was great to finally be able to dress and "fit in".   I realized how much more attractive I was without my glasses too, so I stopped wearing them all together!  

My first official "date" was one my father had to approve of.  He persuaded my brother to ask one of his friends to take me to a school dance.  Lucky for me, I was in love with just about everyone of my brother's best friends, so I was just peachy with that news!

My first true love was at the age of 17.  My high school sweetheart broke my heart.  I was so in love, I thought I would marry him someday!  I am certain I am not the only woman who thought she would marry her first true love.

I graduated from high school in 1986.  I dated many more boys over the course of the next three years, but fell in love again in 1989.  And of course, I assumed I would marry him.  My college sweetheart broke my heart too.  It took two years to get over that one!

The next decade is when I met my REAL true love...you can read about that in my next post. 

My first decade: 1970's

Since I started blogging in my mid 40's, I realize I may need to catch you up on a few years.  Ok, more than several years....before I go too much farther into my youth diary; however, I must admt that my memory is not very good.  So, I can only tell you how I remember things.   Whether they are factual or not, they are my memories.  

I suppose I could start with when I was born, but I think I need to provide a little information about my parents first.

My Dad had planned to be a Priest, and my Mom, a Nun.  They met while working for the same Catholic Publication company.  GOD had a slightly different calling for their lives.  They got married and had six children!   

I was born in the spring of 1968.  My mom had four boys between 1960 and the fall of 1966, and 17 months later, I was born.   The first girl after four boys!  My sister was born three years later.  

I loved growing up in a small town.  I either rode my bike or walked, and I don't really remember having any boundaries, as long as I was home moments after the street lights came on.  Back in the 1970's, kids were outside climbing trees, and exploring the woods and railroad tracks.  My brothers really didn't like me tagging along, but they always said as long as I could keep up, I was welcome to follow them.  You can imagine, I was quite the "tom boy". 

We were a tight knit family.  Eight family members shared one television, as well as one bathroom!  Needlesstosay, there was not much privacy, if you know what I mean!

Looking back, I would say we were poor, but I didn't really know it.  My Dad worked hard to send us to private school.  I suppose that is why we only had one vehicle.  I guess I never really thought about it before now, but even though you could get to my school in five minutes in a car, it took more than an hour and half on the bus, not because of the many stops, but because of the infrequent stops between towns.    Most of the kids in my neighborhood attended the public school, so the Catholic school kids lived all over and in neighboring towns.  My school was small and only had one bus, so you can imagine the miles I traveled each morning and afternoon!  I don't know if my older brothers would remember it the same way, but this is how I remember it.  My bus driver was a crazy driver and rarely drove the speed limit and had no regard to railroad tracks or pot holes!  

I really don't remember a lot about my childhood, and I asked my mom to help me remember.  She told me she doesn't remember it either, because she was too busy dealing with my brothers.  She tells me I was a good kid and she didn't have to worry about me.  I do know that I spent many weekends and most of my summer days at the pool, or at a neighbors house.  There was family that lived on a street behind me with two girls my age.  I think I lived with them!  I remember ringing their door early in the mornings, and running home to eat a pbj sandwich, and going right back over until dinner!  

I do remember being very active, playing kickball in the street, running through the mosquitto spray truck getting lost in the "fog of chemical", and having no care in the world!  I never was a Girl Scout, or involved with extra curiculur activies but I do remember being a happy child!  

I can remember a little more from the 1980's, so if you are interested, you can learn more in my next post.  

Purple Puzzle Tree

UPDATE:  I recorded them on youtube: 

When I was a child, I was consumed with a record and book series titled:  The Purple Puzzle Tree.
Yes, I am dating myself, as I did mention "record" series.  You remember, the big 33 record albums from the 1970's?  I LOVED my Purple Puzzle Tree series!  I listended to them many times almost daily for years!

This series consisted of 6 record sets including 36 story books of children bible stories written by Norman Habel.  He was asked to write 36 stories for a grade school (Bethel Primary School, in St. Louis).  My Dad had worked for Ligouri Publications, and they sold the series for Concordia Publishing House.  Well over a million copies were sold!

I listened to them so often, that still today I have the song memorized and sing it every time I think about it!  "God had a puzzle plan, a plan for you and me!  To fit together piece by piece, in his purple puzzle tree.    Tiger, tiger, tell me do you fly? Do you slink around the ground or soar about the sky? God made tigers, God made you and me, to fit together piece by piece in a purple puzzle tree. ... You will find the pieces fit, much to your surprise, when you learn to see God's world through laughing children's eyes."

When I was pregnant with my first son, I remember heading home to gather the series so that I could share it with my own children.  Much to my dismay, my mom no longer had the books, but she did have the records, so I spent an entire afternoon searching for a record player, so that I could record the records onto cassette tapes so I could play them in the car!  (I know, I'm still dating myself...)  

I have tried to find copies of the books, but unfortunately they are hard to come by as a series and to purchase them individually (if you can find them), can be very costly.   And today, for the life of me...I CAN'T find the cassette tapes!  I know they HAVE to be around here somewhere!

In my research today, I realized Concordia Publishing House stopped printing the orig., but now the Lutheran Church of Australia is taking the initiative to revive The Purple Puzzle Tree as a DVD with Norman Habel, now fifty years later, as The Old Storyteller sitting in front of a huge purple tree with leaves that bear images from the stories.  

Here is a link to one of the stories that Norman is working to revive.  I am sad to know that only the first 12 books are available to purchase on dvd.  I really hope someday to find the book series!

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=9ehXF5Ex1Bc

Oh....how I want my little girl Jessica to experience these wonderful bible stories as I did!

Optimism

Strawberry Shortcake is known for her huge heart and her spirited, "can-do" attitude! Strawberry Shortcake may be itty bitty, but she's full of "Berry, big possibilities"! Every day is a "Berry good day" with Strawberry Shortcake around!  

We can all learn a valuable lesson from this sweet character who has enough optimism to fill a whole strawberry field!  With the right attitude, you can overcome any obstacle!

I have always been an optimist.  I recall a time when I was playing little league softball and my team was losing bad.  I could tell my Dad had had enough of watching and wanted to leave.   I shouted out to him from the dugout "Don't worry, I think we still have a shot at winning!"  He still teases me about that to this day, because I think the score was like 15-0 in the ninth inning.  But, I sure had optimism!  

My husband shakes his head at me sometimes, and thinks I live in a fairy tale, but I assure him it is just simply living optimistically and having a lot of FAITH!

Everyone needs a friend like strawberry shortcake!  I aspire to be that type of wife, mother, friend, and acquaintence!

We read in Matthew 10:16," Behold, I send you out as sheep in the midst of wolves. Therefore be wise as serpents and harmless as doves." We as Christians are among those in the world who will make it difficult for us. We just need to study diligently the word of God.  It really can be that simple!

My scripture verse for today:
Show me your ways, O LORD, teach me your paths; guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long.  Psalm 25:4-5


"However late you think you are, however many chances you think you have missed, however many mistakes you feel you have made or talents you think you don't have, or however far from home and family and God you feel you have traveled, I testify that you have NOT traveled beyond the reach of divine love. It is not possible for you to sink lower than the infinite light of Christ's Atonement." 
-Jeffrey R. Holland