not a fan

It has been way too long since I have written in this blog! Honestly, I stopped writing in it because I was embarrassed. I was embarrassed to be me! I was embarrassed to tell my story. I have so many stories to share and God keeps telling me to trust Him and share them, but I fear being judged, until I read Kyle Idleman's book: "not a fan" that is...so here is one I want to share today:

Today is the anniversary of my baptism. Four years ago today I stood in front of hundreds to testify my commitment to leave my life as I know it and follow Christ, but until today, until this moment, did I realize that I still hold back. This is a day to be excited about and I want to share my excitement!

The following statement is what I read to my pastors and about 100 others four years ago:

My name is Kathy Hawkins. I am married to Chris and have three sons, John, Matt, and Michael and a daughter Jessica. I was raised Catholic and grew up learning all the Catholic traditions and receiving sacraments. I was brought up to understand that my baptism as an infant, cleansed me of original sin and as I grew up I was taught that there were different types of sin. I never questioned it until later in my adult life when I became aware of other religious beliefs and started doing my own research. The internet made that very easy for me but it also confused me. So I decided to get myself a bible. (I got myself several and in all different versions and began studying all of them to be certain I was getting the TRUTH.) And no wonder, for Satan himself masquerades as an angel of light. (2 Corinthians 11:14 NIV). As I devoted more of my time with Christ and reading the Word, I became more and more aware that a sin is a sin...period, and I became more and more aware of my sins. (I thank Jesus every morning for what he did for me and grateful for a new start realizing how weak my flesh is and how desperate I am for His Spirit).

I began to question my religious beliefs. Often, I would spend hours in the night researching for TRUTH! I would pray "Lord, show me where YOU are; show me where I belong". In my journey to find the Truth, I yearned to be in a place where all my doubts would fade. In 2009, I fell away from my local church, but I still continued to seek THE LORD. (I got so confused about what religion was the true religion. Does God wants us to be Catholic, Baptist, Methodist...where did I belong?) I gave up all religion and decided to seek a relationship with Christ. My cousin Val recommended a book called "Crazy Love" by Francis Chan. Unfortunately, I became very aware of how "lukewarm" my devotion to Christ was and I quit reading it after Chapter 4. But, GOD didn't give up on me and I learned to pray for HIS will and trust HIS will, not mine. In my search for the Truth, Jesus showed me the importance of the local church - a Christian life should be lived in community, not isolation. Jesus loves the church and so should we. Jesus wants me in a church that makes followers of Jesus Christ, who in turn make followers of Jesus Christ.

In October 2011, my family joined Oakbridge Community Church and my oldest son John was the first in our family to go public with his commitment to follow Christ and be baptized in April 2012. By the way, I picked up that book “Crazy Love” once again and finished it, and now highly recommend it!

My Pastor Herc Noblitt challenged me to find a life verse. I took that challenge and I encourage those who have not yet done so, to do it. It certainly got me to read a ton of wonderful life changing scriptures. I knew eventually a verse would really speak to me. Luke 8:15 is my life verse: "But the seed on good soil stands for those with a noble and good heart, who hear the word, retain it, and by persevering produce a crop." Yep! I choose to be of good soil! I testify that Jesus is THE WAY!

I want to live for Jesus! I want the life and wisdom of Jesus to so transform me that even when I'm not deliberately referencing a bible verse, I remind someone of Jesus. On this 12th day of Aug, 2012, I stand before all of you and testify my commitment to leave my life as I know it and follow Christ!

Kathy Hawkins,

Aug 12, 2012

Only my husband and kids and my dear friends Kurt and Lori were among those who were present to support my decision. I won't lie and tell you I was very sad not to share this moment with my close friends and family, but they wanted nothing to do with my decision. It has become my greatest desire to share the gospel, but I have limited myself with who I share it because I am worried about making them uncomfortable. I can't say it has not been a difficult transition...I lost many friends and even family have voiced their concern for me and my "loss of faith", but on the contrary my faith has never been stronger! "Followers understand that following Jesus is a pursuit that may cost them everything, but it is the best investment they could ever make. Followers will do some crazy things for love, but fans want to play it safe". - Kyle Idleman. I'm through "playing it safe".

In the last four years, my marriage almost ended, and friends and family have distanced themselves. I lost my identity! But if you ask me today if following Jesus cost you everything, would it still be worth it? I say firmly...YES!!

Letting Go....

It is extremely important to warn someone if you know they are walking down the wrong path, but it is even harder when you must watch them take that route anyway.  

As parents, we MUST allow our adult children to make their own choices, loving them unconditionally.  This sure is tough, but just like Our Father, we must warn them and consistently show them the right way, and hope and pray that they stop to listen and take a U-Turn.   And when they do, be there with open forgiving arms.  

This particular post is not God inspired, but instead a post to GOD.  I am struggling with this in my own life, as I have an 18 year old son.  There are times when I do not know where he is, or what he is doing. There are times when I find him in places that I know are unsafe or wrong,  and I want to grab him by the ear and take him home with me and make his choices for him, but I can't.  

So, instead I go to GOD, and read HIS Word!  This morning, I have been led to 2 Peter 1-15 and I find peace.  

Peter greets those "who have received a faith of the same kind as ours, by the righteousness of our God and Savior, Jesus Christ", and I am truly grateful to have come this far in my faith, and my prayer today is that GOD will be present when I approach my son this afternoon, as I will attempt to follow in Peter's example in verse 12-15:  "Therefore, I will always be reaady to remind you of these things, even though you already know them, and have been established in the truth which is present with you.  I consider it right, as long as I am in this earthly dwelling, to stir you up by way of reminder, knowing that the laying aside of my earthly dwelling is imminent, as also our Lord Jesus Christ has made clear to me.  And I will also be diligent that at any time after my departure you will be able to call these things to mind."  

This is My Story in The story, and today I hope it brings other parents with adult children some kind of peace.  Don't NOT warn and instruct your adult child, but DO let them make their own choices.  I know how very dificult this is, but remember GOD loves U-turns, and as parents we do too!  

Thank You Father, for instilling me with this knowledge and Thank You Father for bringing me peace this morning.  Thank You Father for being ever so present in my parenting, and I ask that You be present in this particular situation today.  I give my concern to You, and trust and believe in Your plan for My son.  AMEN

Don't hold back...

I have found it difficult to let myself become vulnerable with my blog these past couple of weeks.  I have felt GOD's calling to do so....but because of fear, I hold back.  I have let worry take over my desire to blog.    I have listened to the world instead of GOD.  I admit it, and I continue to pray about it.

Have you ever felt a strong desire to say something to someone, yet you don't because you are afraid how they might react?  Father, I give this concern to you, and I continue to ask for you to give me the courage I need, to do what you want me to do.

Yesterday, I was made aware of something my husband did that made me very proud of him.  You see...my husband doesn't hold back.  He has always said what is on his mind.  Often times, I have judged him for this, but more recently I commend him for it.

My daughter has adopted a new set of "grandparents".  We have new neighbors across the street and Jessica has been visiting them daily for the last couple of weeks.   They are a retired couple and seem to really enjoy her daily visits.  At least for now; I do hope she does not wear-out her welcome.  I worry about that, and have mentioned it to them several times, but they insist they look forward to her ringing their door bell.

Yesterday, I looked out my window and noticed she was helping them decorate their yard with Christmas lights and candy canes, and a beautiful sleigh with reindeer and a waving Santa Claus.  I walked across the street to make sure she was not getting in the way.  He insisted she was a delight and part of the reason they were decorating.   He continued to explain that it had been seven years since they celebrated Christmas, or decorated at all; not even a Christmas tree had been on display in their home.  Seven years!  I was shocked!  He explained to me that due to a "falling out" with his daughter, they no longer had a reason to celebrate Christmas.  They have two grandchildren and have not spent Christmas with them in seven years!

They mentioned this to my husband a few days ago, and something my husband said to them, made them change their minds about Christmas.  My husband in a matter of words, said to them that they were going about it all wrong.   He explained to them, their pride was overtaking their love!

Yesterday, my neighbor told me it was because of what my husband said to him, that made him change.
Make sure that nobody pays back wrong for wrong, but always strive to do what is good for each other and for everyone else. (1 Thessalonians 5:15 NIV)

He decided to stop being prideful and share his love! They are going "all out" this year; their outdoor lights blink to the sound of Christmas music and with Jessica's encouragement their home will resemble a gingerbread house by the weekend!

I invited them to celebrate Christmas with our family, but my real hope is that they decline for a reason that they will be sharing it with their daughter and her family instead for the first time in seven years.

My husband made a difference because he didn't hold back!  Can you imagine what a difference we can make, if we just listen and let the Holy Spirit talk for us?

Please pray for me....I don't want to hold back!

For day after day they seek me out;
they seem eager to know my ways,
as if they were a nation that does what is right
and has not forsaken the commands of its God.
They ask me for just decisions
and seem eager for God to come near them. (Isaiah 58:2 NIV)

Invisible Friend

I have been wondering when I would be inspired to write again.  Not much has moved me this week. Something about Sundays that gives me a boost!  I couldn't wait to come home and write today.

This has been an interesting week.  My four year old has entered a new stage of imagination!

Jessica is with me all day; we are with other preschoolers in the mornings, but since school started there are no children in the neighborhood, so Jessica gets lonely in the afternoons.  Chris has been busier than usual with work, and her brothers have a new video game, so she has not had the attention she is used to having, and I have had my fill of her, if you know what I mean.

On our way to the grocery store this week, Jessica introduced me to her new "friends".  She informed me they were in the back seat of our car, and asked me if it was okay if they come in the store with us.  I am embarrassed to tell you my response was not very nice.  I said,  "Jessica, I am so tired and really wanted you to stay home with Michael, so, no, your friends will just have to wait in the car!"  She seemed to realize my lack of imagination at the time, so she decided to appease me.   When we got back to the car, she apologized to her friends for making them wait, and promised a tea party with them as soon as we got home.  She then told me I could come too, but suggested I take a nap first.   I have not been inspired to blog until today.

These "friends" have moved into our home!   On the way to church this morning, she informed her brother Michael that he would have to sit in the middle seat between her and Matt instead of the very back where he usually sits, because her friends were already back there.   My 13 year old was not too happy to sit in the narrow middle seat, but due to his little sister's persistance, he appeased HER this time.  

My husband, however, is a man of extreme patience when it comes to Jessica and her imagination!  He went right along with everything she and her "friends" had to say this morning.    He managed to calm Michael down and enlight us all!  He suggested Jessica add 1 more friends to her group.  He suggested she add Jesus!  My husband is a genius!

I know I am thrilled to have Jesus as my invisible friend, and I LOVE that HE is every where I go!  Even when I forget He is there.  My pastor said it best...GOD LOVES U-TURNS!   I took a big U-turn on the way to church this morning in regards to Jessica and her "friends".  I am thrilled she has these "friends" and even more excited that Jesus has joined the group!

You know what?  Once you become a Christ follower, you never have to be alone!  GOD is everywhere, and HE is always right beside you!  Talk to HIM, HE is listening!  He wants to be in your life!

If you have not accepted Jesus as your personal savior, it is never too late.

1. Confess your sins and admit that you are a sinner. See Romans 3:10

2. Be willing and ready to repent from your sins. See Acts 17:30

3. Believe that Jesus died on the cross for you, was buried, and rose from the dead. See Rom 10:9-10

4. Pray and invite Jesus to come into your life and become your personal savior. See Rom 10:13

5. Read and study the Holy bible and fellowship with other Christians. 

GOD BLESS!

Michael

Michael is my 13 year old son.  He is the third born of four children.

I remember when Chris and I were awaiting the news of our ultra sound of our third child.
I was very certain that GOD intended for me to have a little girl someday.
So, when the nurse informed us that I was carrying another boy, I looked at Chris and muttered between my teeth "one more, real quick, that's it!"

However, it was not soon after Michael learned to crawl that I remember saying "no more, that's it, get fixed!"

Michael was a difficult child to raise, but I sure do cherish those days now!  The first 10 years of that boys life, I wondered if he may actually have a demon in him.  I prayed over that boys room night after night!

At the age of 6, Michael was diagnosed with ADHD and with the help of medication, he became a little more tolerable and easier to raise.  He still gave us quite a challenge, but with consistence and GOD's guidance, he has matured into a very smart and lovable kid!  

I am so proud of Michael!  He is smart, funny, loving, compassionate, and a pure joy to be around!
Last night, he stood in front of many and gave his baptismal testimony!

My heart warms with memories of Michael and how difficult life was wondering if I was raising him with enough love and discipline.  But, because GOD is so good and trusting, I know HE has answered my prayers!  GOD has BIG plans for Michael and I am very excited to watch Michael grow in HIS faith!

Thank you GOD for allowing me to be Michael's mother!  Thank you for YOUR continued guidance as I parent Michael according to YOUR will!

I am very confident that Michael will make a difference in many people's lives!  He can read people; he has a gift to make others feel good about themselves.  He brings laughter to many with his charm!
I love my KID!  Thank you GOD for Michael!!

Hormones

I choose to write about MY story in THE story, and tonight I want to write about what I am feeling, and I am feeling hormonal!  Hormonally balanced that is...

Due to fascinating bio-medical science, I am a 44 year old woman experiencing my life as a twenty year old woman all over again!  Can I get a WOOP, WOOP!!!  

You know...LIFE IS GOOD!  I am happily married to a very loving husband, and wonderful father, and better yet..man of GOD who is also very fit, I might add!  TMI?  perhaps...but I just want to shout to the roof tops!!

Being hormonally balanced is so important!  Are you taking anti-depressents?  Are you experience fatigue?  Are you depressed?  Do you have low sex drive?  When was the last time you had a blood test to see where your hormone levels were?  

I had a complete hysterectomy in 2008!  For 4 years I dealt with hormonal imbalance, taking anti-depressants, and suffering with weight gain, low self-esteeem, fatigue and low sex drive.   NO MORE!

I highly recommend you seek a hormone specialist in your area and check into bi-medical hormone replacement therapy.  

I will leave you with a link to a fun video tonight....to  express how I feel!  

I AM WOMAN, HEAR ME ROAR!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZBkoJLclZkk

Enlightened in 2012 - Part 2

I became a yo-yo-dieter.  I lost and gained the same 15 pounds three times over the course of one year.   I had let my weight define who I was.  I didn't love myself, and I was not letting anyone else love me either, including my husband.  Did I mention my turmoil over the last 10 years?  The details are really meaningless at this point, but let's just say it was pure turmoil!

I spent this entire year examining my turmoil with a new perspective, without blame.   Who am I to judge, right?

Brothers and sisters, do not slander one another. Anyone who speaks against a brother or sister or judges them speaks against the law and judges it. When you judge the law, you are not keeping it, but sitting in judgment on it. There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, the one who is able to save and destroy. But you—who are you to judge your neighbor? (James 4:11, 12 NIV)

I blamed everything, and everyone, including myself for my turmoil.   I prayed...but looking back now...they were empty prayers.  They were selfish prayers.  I have never been very patient either, I prayed according to MY will, not GOD's wills!   

      

This spring, my family started going to church...TOGETHER!  My husband was never one to pray, or attend church.  This was one of those prayers that tried my patience!  GOD needed me to trust HIM with this one, but I was nearing my rope if you know what I mean.  

I also began studying the bible this summer, and I continue to study Scripture daily.  I have always read scripture, but until recently did I study The Word.  There really is a big difference, and I highly recommend it.

I no longer let my weight define me.  I LIVE FOR JESUS!  CHRIST DEFINES ME!  

I am learning to seek GOD's WILL and I hope this blog is enlightening.  As I believe in my church's mission statement and understand it to be HIS will "to make followers of Jesus Christ who in turn make followers of Jesus Christ."

If you are not currently seeking GOD, I encourage you to find a good bible-based church.  I believe it is important for every believer to have a healthy church home where they can connect with other believers and grow in their faith.   MAY GOD BLESS YOU!